Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
Rating: (R), for strong fantasy horror violence and gore, brief sexuality/nudity and language
Run Time: 92 min
Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton and Famke Janssen
In this spin on the fairy tale, Hansel & Gretel are now bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past.
What I Thought:
This is quite possibly one of the worst movies I have seen in a long time. I can honestly say even the last installment of the Twilight franchise was better than this train wreck of a movie. Conan the Barbarian was about as badly acted and hooky as this flick, but at least with Conan we got to stare at an incredibly hot Jason Momoa and it was just hooky enough that it was funny even if not intentionally.
Renner is not one of my favorite actors, in fact I find him highly overrated. I used to call his a bootlegged version of Matt Damon, but now I have decided even that is reaching too high for Renner and now I called him a bootlegged version of Vin Diesel. At least Diesel is hot and isn’t that horrible as an action star. Renner, although, isn’t bad looking, he isn’t that hot either to make up for his poor acting chops. This entire movie he was horribly awkward and his dialogue was stiff and unbelievable. There is this scene where someone is bleeding out and I swear it was worse than the scene in Snow White and the Huntsman where Kristen Stewart is trying to comfort the dying dwarf. It is THAT bad. Oh and then there were all the inappropriate looks between Hansel and Gretel. Come on man she’s your sister! The action scenes were alright, they weren’t anything special, certainly not good enough to make you look past the horrible acting.
Gemma Arterton, I don’t know that I have seen anything else that she has acted in, but after this performance I’m not going to be looking for anything she may be in the future either. Admittedly, I don’t think she was as bad as Renner, but it wasn’t anything great either. She was just kind of eh for me and I don’t really have much else to say about her. So, I usually enjoy Famke Janssen in whatever role he is in. You may remember her as Jean Gray aka Phoenix in the X-Men franchise. She’s pretty decent in whatever role she takes, but even she sucked in this book. At one point I asked my movie buddy if she was purposely acting that bad… I was genuinely confused as to why her acting was so subpar. She could have saved this movie a little, but alas she did not.
The plot was stupid, and was not deserving of even sharing the title/character names of the beloved fairytale. The graphics were what we are used to as movies goers. I’d say they were on the same level as Snow White and the Huntsman. I think the best part of this movie was the troll. Now how sad is that?
PASS! PASS! PASS! Do not even waste your $1.50 at the Redbox